By Dr. Kacie Crisp
I was asked that question recently. At first I found it tough toanswer, because I had the point of view that I don’t give up my voice in relationships. (I have been happily married with my husband David Caddy for more than 30 years, and Access Founder Gary Douglas uses us as an example of a relationship that actually works.)
David and I are both ourselves in our relationship, and we say whatever we like without fear of judgment.
And still, I discovered that there are actually LOTS of ways that I DO give up my own voice in our relationships. Oops!
Giving up your voice can be as subtle as having a slight knowing or intuition that feather touch on your cheek and talking yourself out of it because you don’t want to upset your partner.
This occurred for me on Christmas Eve, when we were driving through Mexico, in the midst of a gas shortage. We didn’t “know” about the gas shortage at the time, because we hadn’t yet run into any closed gas stations. As we stopped to change drivers because David had a headache, I saw that the convenience store we stopped at also sold gas. “We could get some gas here,” I thought. That was my knowing stroking my cheek lightly.
But I talked myself out of it. (In my head.) In fact, this whole story happened in my head, except for the running out of gas that happened later. I talked myself out of it by saying, “David would say, ‘Don’t bother, we can get it later, let’s just keep going.’ He has a headache already, I don’t want to bother him.”
Not only did I give up my voice,but I gave up my voice in favor of what I suspected David would say. He didn’t even have to say anything!
So what happened when I gave up my voice? We ended up with the gas light on in the epicenter of the fuel shortage in Mexico. On Christmas Eve, with no information available, and without either of us speaking Spanish.
When I searched “gas shortage in Mexico” on google, it said the worst area for the fuel shortage at that time was San Luis Potosi. Where were we, with no gas and all the stations closed/sold out/ with lines 4 blocks long if they had any gas at all? You guess it—San Luis Potosi!
If I had listened to my knowing, that little voice that said, “You can get gas here,” we would have cruised right through San Luis Potosi and ended up in states where the gas shortage had not hit!
So I could get philosophical and say, if you give up your voice in your relationship, the person you’re with won’t actually get to have the very person he/she fell in love with at the time. You’re robbing both them and you.
And that’s true. But if you give up your voice, you might have more dramatic, immediate consequences—like being out of gas in central Mexico on Christmas Eve, without a word of Spanish.
So what’s it like to NEVER give up your voice in relationships? I can’t tell you, as obviously I’m not there yet!
I can tell you that the tools of Right Voice for You work phenomenally to decrease the frequency of it, and to allow me to be aware when I do it, so I can change in the next 10 seconds.